realization.

i can't fake being happy. i realized that in the car, just now. i'm too emotional of a person, and i am not afraid of that. therefore, i cannot, will not hide my emotions. i can't put on a mask and pretend everything is okay. inside, i am not okay. and there might not be a reason. but i can't hide it. i'm not one of those people. my emotions are too strong and vivid to just replace or ignore them.

i wish i knew what was wrong. i haven't felt like this since i graduated high school. only then i had a reason. maybe my reason is being lonely. i'm extremely independent now. maybe too independent. to the point where i KNOW i can make someone happy. and be happy. and yet, still be my own person and do my own thing. but i have yet to find someone i can share that with. so, this future love is already breaking my heart!

i don't know if i am making any sense!!!!!! but i don't care! i don't! writing feels good. and it numbs the pain. especially when i write publicly. even if no one responds to this, hell, even if not one soul reads this, it makes me feel better to think that maybe someone out there is listening to me. and i'd rather it be a stranger than someone i know (minus a few people that know who they are) because i know a stranger cannot judge me. and has no idea what i've been through and no idea what my life is about besides this pointless blog and this pathetic entry. but maybe they can somehow relate in an unbiast way.

i'm going to sit on the roof and scream periodically until i feel like i've accomplished something.

i'm not editing this at all, so i'm sorry if this is hard to understand.